Crossroads

Warning: this has the potential to be long and rambling and I make no guarantees of the coherency of what I write. If you have any questions about what I say, please ask me instead of making assumptions. Wouldn't want to make an ass out of you and me, right?

I'm standing at an intersection in my life. Three directions to choose from.

I can continue on as I have been, straight ahead, stagnant, the next day pretty much the same as the last, with no prospect for change. I would keep both of the relationships I'm currently in.

To the right and left are those relationships, but singular.

The last few years I've just been floating along, no motivation but survival. Please don't misunderstand, there has been joy and love and happiness. But I felt stuck. I couldn't survive on my own. Nowhere to go. I felt like I was settling for what I had.

People are going to misunderstand. I'm not a fool. I realize that if I choose the direction I'm leaning towards that I will be the "bad guy." I call myself poly, why can't I make this work? Why do I feel myself more and more drawn away from one towards the other? Maybe I'm not poly.

We've worked things out, we've stayed together for six and a half years. He was the age I am now when we met. He lived at home due to circumstances I won't go into. A couple months into our relationship he was asked to resign from his job, basically fired. He was out of work for a while. Some people would have abandoned it at that point. But I wasn't going to be one of those people, I stuck with it. I loved him, still do. Went through periods of no work, contract work, until he got a more permanent job. One he liked and was good at. I graduated from college. My parents decided to sell the house and going with them wasn't an option. So whether we were ready or not we looked for a house and when we found one, bought it, with the help of both sets of parents. It was a struggle at times. I was out of work for a time and very depressed. But I got the job I've been at now for two and a half years. It's not much, but it pays the bills.

We had always said we were in a poly relationship, even though for most of it it was just the two of us.

And this is the point where FUCKING BLOGGER ATE MY POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I'll try to remember what I said. Fuck.

Our foray into swinging was fun, but not what I really wanted. I wanted intimate friendships, people to both hang out with and cuddle and play with. People I wouldn't feel guilty having feelings for. I've got a few of them now, they know who they are.

Through a new friend I met someone. For a while he was just a font, a picture, but I knew finally that I had to meet him. When I saw him that first time, I knew. I just Knew. I journeyed to his house to see him. We danced around it, then finally I couldn't bear to leave without saying it. We cried, I did not want to leave. I've been back several times since, and each time it is harder and harder to leave.

Self-honesty has forced me to realize that loving someone is not the same as being in love with them. Because I know now what being in love is. I am hopelessly, wonderfully, amazingly in love! I Know this person, this man. We fit. Better than I ever have with anyone.

I'm not oblivious to the hurt I'm causing, will cause. If I could wave my wand and make it go away I would. But it may cause more harm to stay under false promises of working things out than to just go our separate ways. I will always love him, he was my life for almost seven years.

Now come the questions of what to do about the house. He can't afford to keep it without my income. I will help as much as I can to get it in shape to sell if necessary. And what to do about my possessions, which are most of the furniture in the house. And the cats. Which I won't impose on my love, because of his allergies. What do I say to my parents, to his parents, to my boss when I put in my notice? It won't be easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is.

So I guess I've made my choice. God and Goddess give me strength to walk the path I've
chosen. Guide me on my way. I know I do not walk alone. Blessed Be.

**note that I'm not entirely happy with this post. The one that blogger ate was somehow better, but this will have to do. **