A sort of movie review

Well, I finally gave in and saw Episode III. All I can say, as I've heard other people say, is it didn't suck. The effects were great, cool, neato, but man, I've read better dialogue in teenage romance novels. I mean, where are all the great writers. I know it's Lucas's story, but can't he afford help? Or is it that no one is willing to tell him that anything sucked, cause he's so rich and powerful?

The bestest part? Was a preview of the next best thing since the Lord of the Rings trilogy. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Oh Yeah. I can't wait. It looked totally awesome. The little I saw was perfect. Beautiful.

Random thoughts for today

• I hate bras.
• Why is it no one but me can see that the cat(s) have puked and clean it up?
• B-A-N-A-N-A-S
• I refuse to pay what the movie theaters charge for snacks. This is why I'm a woman and carry a purse.
• Really need to learn CSS.
• Wonder how much Episode III is going to suck?

I am not a relationship counselor!

I really like my friends. I do. Or I wouldn't hang out with them. But talking to one this afternoon has gotten me really frustrated. Her and her partner seem to have quite a few issues to work through. But I can only offer advice, say what has worked for me and my partner. However, I'm not a professional counselor. I can't help them with their relationship beyond being a friend.

My partner K and I have learned quite a few things. Give each other space. Talk a lot. Don't leave things unsaid. Let each other do our own thing, but come back and talk about it. Don't be too clingy. And did I mention communicate? I don't own him and he doesn't own me. We know this and don't try to monopolize each other.

We have each developed our own interests, but still have some we do together. I value my time alone, but I also value my time with him. We've become comfortable making separate plans, but still do lots together. Prime example: more often than not I go to the club without him, especially since he started his new job this week. So last night I went to be with friends and he went to see his girl. It's all good.

Selected lyrics from Christina Aguilera's Fighter

After all you put me through
You'd think I'd despise you
But in the end I want to thank you
Because you made me that much stronger

You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong'
Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wanna know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter.

Party!

I think I can speak for all of my good friends when I say we're looking very much forward to Thursday at the club. We're all bringing something, and fully intend to party all night. I think there will be at least six of us. Maybe we can recruit more! Lol. Too bad the really good DJ quit. Hopefully they'll find another one soon. But the celebration will proceed nevertheless. Remember, laughter is encouraged, as is sharing, and no drama is allowed. Any offences will be punished by tickling. And most important, have fun!

What is polyamory?

Since I've talked to a few people lately about this, I figured if anyone else has questions about it I would provide this link. They answer questions far better than I can. So, if you want to know what polyamory is, click here and go to the FAQ.

Dear Anonymous,

After mulling this over for a couple days I've come up with this: you totally missed the point of my post.

The point was that the person my friend and I were dealing with was supposedly an experienced dominant. And as such he should know that novices such as my friend and I were in no position to consent to what actually happened. It is the ethics of it that are in question. It matters not what I thought or she thought about whatever relationship was or wasn't there.

The point is that as a more experienced person, he knew the protocol and ignored it. It isn't right to not provide safewords for a first session. It isn't right to make a person feel like safewords shouldn't be used once they are given. It should be encouraged for a person to use their safewords and not make them feel guilty about it.

I also found it quite interesting to note that while I was encouraged to read several books and broaden my knowledge of the subject, my friend was given the exact opposite advice and told that the exact same books really wouldn't help her. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

One of my favorite songs

American Girl, Tom Petty

Well she was an American girl
Raised on promises
She couldn’t help thinkin' that there
Was a little more to life
Somewhere else
After all it was a great big world
With lots of places to run to
Yeah, and if she had to die
Tryin’ she had one little promise
She was gonna keep

Oh yeah, all right
Take it easy baby
Make it last all night
She was an American girl

It was kind of cold that night
She stood alone on her balcony
She could the cars roll by
Out on 441
Like waves crashin’on the beach
And for one desperate moment there
He crept back in her memory
God it’s so painful
Something that’s so close
And still so far out of reach

Oh yeah, all right
Take it easy baby
Make it last all night
She was an American girl

Lightening the mood

I quite enjoyed reading this guy's Rant on Pervs that piss me off . Perhaps you'll like it too. And no, this isn't for anyone in particular, I just thought it was funny.

Actually quite a bit of this community is funny. It's nice to see people with a sense of humor. I like laughing, even at myself.

This is also quite funny, if you are at all poly inclined.

To that one special reader

So, I'm one of the "unfriendlies" hmmm? I don't know, I mean all of my friends seem to think I'm very friendly. I'm so damn friendly and gullible I let myself get into a situation I shouldn't have. And now I'm having to help a friend through the same damn thing.

My self education has taught me much. That you went about things the wrong way. There was no negotiation. I walked into things voluntarily where I had no earthly idea what was going to happen. It's not right to take a novice in BDSM who doesn't know how things are supposed to be and put them in such situations. Getting blanket consent from such a person is wrong. Period. End of story.

But thank you. Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson. It will be a long time before I trust someone so easily. Have a nice day!

"One Thing" - Finger Eleven

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line

It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing

If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

If I lived there I'd go every day

I had the afternoon free yesterday, so I made plans with a friend to meet at a park up on Lake Erie. It was destined to be a good day, for I did not get the least bit lost. Got there almost an hour early, but on purpose. If I can, I give myself extra time to get somewhere the first time I go, cause I get lost.

It was sunny and cool, windy. I, dork that I am, forgot my jacket. But it didn't matter. The lake and beach and trees tinged with green were all just so beautiful. I sat on a picnic table on the beach and just watched the water.

Maybe it's ironic or something, but it put me in mind of watching a fire. The constantly changing patterns of the waves. Always changing but always the same. Hypnotizing you the same way watching a campfire does. I could have sat and watched until the sun went down.

But I was freezing, so I went back to my car to wait the remaining fifteen minutes until my friend arrived. We went to dinner and talked a lot. Yep, I'll definitely be going back there when I can.

Sexy? You bet!

More and more often I am hearing myself called "sexy" or "beautiful" or what have you. This is a curious phenomenon as until recently I never ventured to think of myself as such. Oh, I've been called these things before, but now I'm actually beginning to think of myself this way and not laugh inside when I hear it from someone else.

I find myself dressing to show my body off, instead of hiding in my clothes. I'm more comfortable in my skin. I'd have to be, wouldn't I? I mean, a year ago I would have been petrified to get naked with anyone other than my partner, and just last week I find myself in a room with four other people having all kinds of fun. At my suggestion, no less.

I'm more confidant, more willing to go after what I want, more willing to make the first move. And less willing to put up with things I would have let slide in the past.

I'm not usually political, but . . .

I just think that this is something you should be concerned about if you are an American citizen. I know I haven't watched much news lately, but I hadn't heard a thing about this. And I don't like it.

"The man of power is ruined by power, the man of money by money, the submissive man by subservience, the pleasure seeker by pleasure."

Hermann Hesse
Swiss (German-born) author (1877 - 1962)

no title

What do you do when you see someone in a situation where you're pretty sure they are going to get hurt? And you know this because you've been there, done that. But saying anything makes it look you're just out to ruin their fun. When in truth you just don't want to see them go through what you did?

A good friend gave me this advice: sometimes you just have to stand back and let someone learn the hard way. And it's not easy. Just be there for them when they need you.

Now I can appreciate how my friends felt. At least they had the grace not to say "I told you so." So, thank you to everyone who cared enough to let me make my mistakes. I did learn from it. At least I hope I did.

Time to switch things up a bit

I really really want to get involved in a (somewhat) local bdsm group sometime soon, but I just can't afford the extra expense at the moment. So, until then I'm just talking to people. As annoying as chat rooms can be, they are a way to meet people. I've met a few interesting local doms, but I don't think I want to meet them in person just yet. That, and I'm not looking for the same things they are. I'm attached, and most of them want someone single. But it is nice to talk to people with, in one man's case, about twenty years experience. And yes, I do not need to be reminded that anyone can pretend to be anything online.

And I have the best luck meeting people at this club I go to. A lady I'm currently talking to is proving very interesting. Not to mention that she is gorgeous and we get along fabulously. A big thank you to the man that introduced us.

The more I read about SM, the more I want to actually learn how to use the implements that I want used on me. The books tell you the basics, but I need to get my hands on the tools and practice. Which is why I'll use the opportunity at the end of the month to really look at things and decide what to put on my wish list.

Things that never cease to amaze me . . .

• the ability of a customer to make a purchase and walk away without it
• being asked if I work there when I am clearly wearing the requisite polo and name tag
• the lady who has to have her paper towels double bagged, cause you know they'll break if the bag suddenly splits
• the guy who only ever buys cat food, nothing else
• the inability of people to read the sign on the door with the hours we are open clearly posted
• the things people will tell you when purchasing pregnancy tests
• the things people tell you period, prime example: a lady tells me that her husband asked her to shave his butt. I kid you not, this happened last night.
• the old man who tells the same jokes every time, and is surprised I know the punchline
• the people who don't know their own PIN number and somehow think I do
• the people who want to know who to make the check out to, I mean you don't know where you're shopping?
• the old men who hit on me
• the old women who are clearly colorblind when getting dressed

that's all for now

Trust Me

The following definition of trust is borrowed from Wikipedia

"Trust in sociology is a relationship between people. It involves the suspension of disbelief that one person will have towards another person or idea. It especially involves having one person thinking that the other person or idea is benevolent, competent / good, or honest / true."

Trust is a funny thing. Some people you trust instantly. Others it takes time and effort to build up a mutual trust. Either way it can be destroyed in an instant. For me it is when I feel that I have not been dealt with honestly. The second that happens you can wave any trust that did exist goodbye.

I like the phrase "suspension of disbelief." It really applies in this case, because I saw what I wanted to see and ignored the rest. We all do this. Funny what you see when you have your eyes opened. Behavior that was acceptable because "that's so-and-so, that's just how they are, so it's ok," suddenly becomes somewhat rude and, well, silly.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel. I'm sure I've done things without meaning to that were rude or just taken the wrong way. In fact I know I have. I've recently learned that some of my actions in recent months may have alienated some people I really liked. Not sure if this can be repaired, but I will try. I'm a big believer in responsibility. Even if I didn't mean to do something I am still responsible for the ramifications of my actions.

Don't Panic!

Versetzen Sie Nicht In Panik!
Όχι πανικός!
Não se apavore!
Не паникуйте!
¡No se atierre!
Göra panikslagen inte!
لا يذعر!
Ne paniquez pas !
Niet Paniek!

"How You Remind Me" - NICKELBACK

Never made it as a wise man

I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing

Tired of living like a blind man

I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling

And this is how you remind me

This is how you remind me

Of what I really am

This is how you remind me

Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry

I was waiting on a different story

This time I'm mistaken

for handing you a heart worth breaking

and I've been wrong, i've been down,

been to the bottom of every bottle

these five words in my head

scream "are we having fun yet?"

Some really funny shit

I've been distracting myself with some really funny stuff this morning. So, I thought I'd share.

Outpost Nine is an enormously funny set of editorials by an American English teacher in Japan.

Clublife is a blog written by a New York bouncer, an excellent and funny writer.

I did it!

I finally managed to get back in touch with a Very Special friend from high school!!! (I'll refer to him as Z.) I'm just totally thrilled that he doesn't hate me, and he feels the same. Who cares why we lost touch, we're both sorry about it, but that's all in the past. Z is someone I've missed very much and thought about often. He said he'd been thinking about me a lot lately too. I mean, come on, I went to Junior Homecoming and Senior Prom with him. I did promise K that I'd take it slow in getting to know him again, because K knows how I feel about this guy. Goodness knows I've told him enough times. It's really weird, I'd forgotten what his voice sounded like, but it sounds like it should. Maybe I'll get to see him sometime this week. Yay!!!

"Giving pain"

I may have mentioned that I'm reading SM101 by Jay Wiseman. He uses a phrase that I've fallen in love with, "giving pain" rather than "inflicting pain."

(Please note that the following is by no means a full and complete analysis.)

So then the self-examination starts again. Why do I want to be given pain? Now that I've tasted the flogger, why do I crave it? Why do I want to be used so? Why do I want the domination and control?

I think it goes to my mental/emotional state. Each day is a battle against the depression. Even with medication I have my bad days, days where all is negative, no one cares about me, the world can just go @#$% itself. But there are also the good days, weeks, even months at a time. When I'm myself, happy, optimistic, joyful even. I've tried therapy. My therapist and I came to the conclusion that there was nothing to be depressed about. That it is all just an unfortunate chemical unbalance in my brain. It runs in the family. (And don't even get me started on how much it pisses me off that I have to rely on a stupid pill to function on a normal level. I know, I know, look at it like a disease. If I had diabetes would I quit taking insulin? No.)

I have my up cycles and my down cycles. The ups outnumber the downs, which is a good thing. But the downs can reach unbelievable depths. Never to the point of no return, never to where I thought there was no way out. And this too shall pass.

So why do I want to be given pain, dominated, controlled? The psychology of it interests me. I know I'm submissive. It's the whys that intrigue me. I think it is because the physical sensations can for a time overpower the mental and send me on a flying high that is like nothing I've ever experienced. Physical pain can be turned into pleasure, it does turn me on, combined with being controlled and dominated. No, I'm not into straight pain. I'm not going to injure myself for the fun of it.

Another element is the intensity of it. I've always liked intense, somewhat rough sex. Making love is nice. But most of the time I want it hard, rough, intense, now, please. Use me. Push me. Make me. I totally (secretly) get off on being, looking like, the nice girl next door. Shy, quiet, unassuming. When I know deep down I can be a total slut. And I love it.