"Giving pain"

I may have mentioned that I'm reading SM101 by Jay Wiseman. He uses a phrase that I've fallen in love with, "giving pain" rather than "inflicting pain."

(Please note that the following is by no means a full and complete analysis.)

So then the self-examination starts again. Why do I want to be given pain? Now that I've tasted the flogger, why do I crave it? Why do I want to be used so? Why do I want the domination and control?

I think it goes to my mental/emotional state. Each day is a battle against the depression. Even with medication I have my bad days, days where all is negative, no one cares about me, the world can just go @#$% itself. But there are also the good days, weeks, even months at a time. When I'm myself, happy, optimistic, joyful even. I've tried therapy. My therapist and I came to the conclusion that there was nothing to be depressed about. That it is all just an unfortunate chemical unbalance in my brain. It runs in the family. (And don't even get me started on how much it pisses me off that I have to rely on a stupid pill to function on a normal level. I know, I know, look at it like a disease. If I had diabetes would I quit taking insulin? No.)

I have my up cycles and my down cycles. The ups outnumber the downs, which is a good thing. But the downs can reach unbelievable depths. Never to the point of no return, never to where I thought there was no way out. And this too shall pass.

So why do I want to be given pain, dominated, controlled? The psychology of it interests me. I know I'm submissive. It's the whys that intrigue me. I think it is because the physical sensations can for a time overpower the mental and send me on a flying high that is like nothing I've ever experienced. Physical pain can be turned into pleasure, it does turn me on, combined with being controlled and dominated. No, I'm not into straight pain. I'm not going to injure myself for the fun of it.

Another element is the intensity of it. I've always liked intense, somewhat rough sex. Making love is nice. But most of the time I want it hard, rough, intense, now, please. Use me. Push me. Make me. I totally (secretly) get off on being, looking like, the nice girl next door. Shy, quiet, unassuming. When I know deep down I can be a total slut. And I love it.