I totally ripped this off from another blog

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

* 1. Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia — I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and…

* 6. Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder — Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder — Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

My apologies for the long hiatus

Mostly I've been busy enough where I haven't thought about writing anything here, but I guess I shouldn't just abandon this. Another lesser reason for not posting anything has been the thought that my ex (and you have no idea how weird it is to say that) may still read this. However, I've decided not to let that stop me. It's a free country, and hopefully he has the sense not to torture himself like that.

For anyone who doesn't know already, this last month I have moved an hour away from where I used to live, away from a long (six year) relationship, from my parents and brother, and from a job I had more than two years. I left a lot behind. Much I will miss. That's as it should be.

But it's who/what I moved to that is most important. I haven't had one moment of regret for what I've done. I'm home. I'm where I'm supposed to be. I truly believe that.

Yes, it's been a bit disheartening not to find a job right away, but even that is looking up. Cross your fingers for me. *big smile*



So, what could I have written about in the meantime?

• having a better sex life than I have ever had
• discovering a new spanking implement
• and that hot wax is kinda cool
• getting hooked on the game my love is so involved with (sounds better than obsessed with)
• rediscovering that I HATE filling out applications
• once again regretting that I didn't do an internship in college
• being sick since around Thanksgiving, with a cough that will not quit
• realizing for the nth time that I have too much stuff and am truly a packrat
• long sappy entries about how happy I am with my relationship
• coupled with the monster I've created in him
• menthol cough drops + oral sex = intense

Well, that's all for now. Any ideas or questions or comments are very welcome. I hope someone is still reading this thing, but I doubt it.

Today is the day

Soon, I go to work here for the last time. Then I'll come home, gather up some more things, load my car to the brim, and head off west. I'm both happy and sad. It's a strange mix.




On another note, Hi Rain!!! Hehehehe........

One Day Left

Ok, if you haven't figured out what I'm counting down to, I'll let you in on the secret (not really a secret). There is now one day, today, until tomorrow, when after work I will be officially moving out of here and into Southpaw's house. Yay!

Two Days!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pirate/Wench - Arrrr! Ye likes the rough
stuff. Strong cord and aged leather will do ye
fine.


What is Your Secret Spanking Fantasy?
brought to you by Quizilla

three days!!!

four days

five days

six days

Is anyone surprised at this result? No, I didn't think so.

Take the quiz: "Which Random Irish Gaelic Phrase Are You? "

Teastaioinn cineal uaim
Teastaioinn cineal uaim - 'I want sex.'Horny little bugger, aren't you? You enjoy porn and being naked. Hell, you're probably naked right now. Both hands on the keyboard, you pervert!

seven days

Freedom of speech

jewels of Lock and Ki has an excellent post on freedom of speech, especially in regards to adult content on the internet.

I reccomend that you read it if you like reading the same things I do. I'll write more when I get the chance.

Quiz Results

You need a spanking and you know it. There's a
grin on your face with just the very idea. So,
what are you waiting for?


What kind of spanking do you deserve?
brought to you by Quizilla

Two Weeks

Two weeks from today I will no longer be living here. My address will change. I'll have a new phone number. A new home. A new workplace. (if I get my transfer, crosses fingers)

I'm excited. I'm also nervous as hell. But I guess that's to be expected.

I'll miss so much about this life . . . but the future looks more promising than it has in a long time. Change is something I've needed, needed for a while. Felt stuck, felt like I didn't have any choices. Now I can see a bright future, happy future, full and with life.

So while I am experiencing a lot of sadness, it is more than balanced with what I am gaining in joy and happiness.

The Brush

Many years ago I bought a brush. What attracted me to it was it's beautiful rounded edges, smooth wood, rectangular shape. A paddle brush is what they're called. How appropriate.

I'd never really been spanked, certainly not with a brush, but something about it appealed to me. So I took it home with me. For a while it just sat in a drawer, waiting.

It came out once or twice when I got up the courage to ask someone to use it on me. But it always was forgotten after a while.

Well this last Friday I took it with me on my visit to my boyfriend's house. I showed it to him. He liked it.

Saturday night. After we got home from the reception we relaxed for a while, got out of our formal clothes. But pretty soon he had me go get it and come back to the couch. He told me what he was going to do to me with it, how warm he was going to make me.

I positioned myself over his lap. He ran his hand over my ass. I love how his hands feel, so warm and big and heavy. And warm me up he did, first with his hand and then . . . with the brush, the paddle brush, and paddle it did! It stung. It stung so much but it was so so good. He loves it when I squirm and struggle, but I never tried to put my hands back to stop it.

He also loves how wet it makes me. After he was done with it he put his fingers to my wetness and made me come, maybe more than once. Then he gave me a choice, more with the brush or with his hand. I chose his hand.

But I love that brush. It will see much more use, I'm sure. And so is he.

I'm still alive

Sorry I haven't posted in a long while, almost two weeks I guess. I've been a bit busy. Yeah. I'm still working almost full-time and trying to get my stuff sorted and packed for moving. I took one car-load up on Friday. Went to a very nice wedding on Saturday. Hi Pinky and the Brain! The reception was really fun.

But I think it's all getting to me. I have whatever cold that's been going around and everyone seems to have. I'm just so tired and irritable. And everything just made me want to cry today, from songs on the radio to frustrating customers.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who's offered help, or given me a shoulder to cry on, and just to everyone who has left a kind comment or been there for me. I really and truly appreciate it.

Q&A Meme

Some Q&A from jewels' blog . . .

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Woodrow Wilson, Stan Lee, Rod Serling, Denzel Washington & Linus Torvalds

2. Where was your first kiss?
I don't remember. I was 14.

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?
No, but my brother and I toilet papered a neighbors house in revenge once.

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
Yes.

5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?
Yes, I was in several choirs in elementary and middle school, but discovered that I really can't sing in junior high, but people had been too kind to tell me.

6. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?
Their smile, general facial expressions, voice.

7. What really turns you on? In another person?
Voice, confidence, touch, kissing, eyes.

8. What do you order at Starbucks?
Iced mocha.

9. What is your biggest mistake?
Under-valuing myself.

10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
Yes. (Now ask me if I liked it.)

11. Say something totally random about yourself.
I like odd numbers.

12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
No, thank goodness.

13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
Does South Park count? But I love animation, like Dexter's Laboratory or animated movies like Toy Story or Madagascar.

14. Did you have braces?
Never.

15. Are you comfortable with your height?
Yes.

16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you?


17. When do you know it's love?
The trouble comes when trying to decide if it isn't love.

18. Do you speak any other languages?
Very poor German, ein bischen. Das ist gut. Ein, zwei, drei.

19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon?
No.

20. What magazines do you read?
National Geographic, Consumer Reports, Scientific American.

21. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
No.

22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
Yes, but not while I was with them.

23. Do you watch mtv?
Not really anymore, I prefer VH1 when I have time.

24. What's something that really annoys you?
Being late.

25. What's something you really like?
Forests, beaches, campfires, ice cream, a good kiss, watching the night sky.

26. Do you like Michael Jackson?
No.

27. Can you dance?
No.

28. What's the latest you have ever stayed up?
Twenty-four hours, maybe, when I was a teenager.

29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
No.

30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?
Yes I do!

Coincidence or prediction?

First off, I'm not sure how much I believe in things like scrying, tarot, or palm reading. Yes, I'm Pagan, but that doesn't mean I automatically believe that stuff. I have a healthy skepticism.

Clear back in February my partner K and I were at a Valentine's Day party at the club. An acquaintance there noticed my pentacle necklace and we talked for a while, turns out he was Alexandrian. (If you aren't familiar with that, look at it like one of the branches of paganism, like if you were Methodist or Baptist or something, you're still Christian.)

Anyway. He did an impromptu palm reading. Told me a lot of things about myself that were true. Then he made the startling statement that my current relationship would only last another eight months. February to October. Eight months. All along I said I didn't believe it, it was impossible, but here I am planning to move out at the end of the month.

So you tell me, am I helping a prediction fulfill itself, or is it just a coincidence?

Things I've been told today

• You need to do what makes you happy.
• You need to do whatever is best for you.
• You are using this to escape from life.
• Falling in love is a choice.
• You are running away.
• That it's not possible to fall in love as quickly as I have.
• That at most it is intense attraction coupled with a really deep crush.

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.

Philip K. Dick, Valis
US science fiction author (1928 - 1982)

Update

Well apparently it didn't hit the fan too hard. (but I don't know if his family knows, and I don't care to be the one to tell them) Obviously K knows what's up and also my parents have an idea what's going on. No choice there, really. They have a big investment in the house and probably would want to know why I'm moving an hour away. All I told them was that K and I have had an open relationship for years now, and that I met someone, and now I'm moving out in a month. Whew. And I threw in the little tidbit that I've had girlfriends too, you know, to distract them. They didn't really want to walk down the TMI road, which was fine with me.

So. Yeah. Moving. Wow. And I've had plenty of offers of help, so I'm all good there. I have a nice big pickup I can borrow from the parentals. About the biggest thing I want to take is my big dresser with the mirror. I'm also required by family edict to take the cedar chest and the library table from the living room, as these are to stay in the family. Also, confession time. I, am a packrat. Yeah. So now begins the wonderful task of going through all my crap and figuring out what I really want to keep. Wish me luck. Will probably be having a late fall garage sale. Yay (not).

Crossroads

Warning: this has the potential to be long and rambling and I make no guarantees of the coherency of what I write. If you have any questions about what I say, please ask me instead of making assumptions. Wouldn't want to make an ass out of you and me, right?

I'm standing at an intersection in my life. Three directions to choose from.

I can continue on as I have been, straight ahead, stagnant, the next day pretty much the same as the last, with no prospect for change. I would keep both of the relationships I'm currently in.

To the right and left are those relationships, but singular.

The last few years I've just been floating along, no motivation but survival. Please don't misunderstand, there has been joy and love and happiness. But I felt stuck. I couldn't survive on my own. Nowhere to go. I felt like I was settling for what I had.

People are going to misunderstand. I'm not a fool. I realize that if I choose the direction I'm leaning towards that I will be the "bad guy." I call myself poly, why can't I make this work? Why do I feel myself more and more drawn away from one towards the other? Maybe I'm not poly.

We've worked things out, we've stayed together for six and a half years. He was the age I am now when we met. He lived at home due to circumstances I won't go into. A couple months into our relationship he was asked to resign from his job, basically fired. He was out of work for a while. Some people would have abandoned it at that point. But I wasn't going to be one of those people, I stuck with it. I loved him, still do. Went through periods of no work, contract work, until he got a more permanent job. One he liked and was good at. I graduated from college. My parents decided to sell the house and going with them wasn't an option. So whether we were ready or not we looked for a house and when we found one, bought it, with the help of both sets of parents. It was a struggle at times. I was out of work for a time and very depressed. But I got the job I've been at now for two and a half years. It's not much, but it pays the bills.

We had always said we were in a poly relationship, even though for most of it it was just the two of us.

And this is the point where FUCKING BLOGGER ATE MY POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I'll try to remember what I said. Fuck.

Our foray into swinging was fun, but not what I really wanted. I wanted intimate friendships, people to both hang out with and cuddle and play with. People I wouldn't feel guilty having feelings for. I've got a few of them now, they know who they are.

Through a new friend I met someone. For a while he was just a font, a picture, but I knew finally that I had to meet him. When I saw him that first time, I knew. I just Knew. I journeyed to his house to see him. We danced around it, then finally I couldn't bear to leave without saying it. We cried, I did not want to leave. I've been back several times since, and each time it is harder and harder to leave.

Self-honesty has forced me to realize that loving someone is not the same as being in love with them. Because I know now what being in love is. I am hopelessly, wonderfully, amazingly in love! I Know this person, this man. We fit. Better than I ever have with anyone.

I'm not oblivious to the hurt I'm causing, will cause. If I could wave my wand and make it go away I would. But it may cause more harm to stay under false promises of working things out than to just go our separate ways. I will always love him, he was my life for almost seven years.

Now come the questions of what to do about the house. He can't afford to keep it without my income. I will help as much as I can to get it in shape to sell if necessary. And what to do about my possessions, which are most of the furniture in the house. And the cats. Which I won't impose on my love, because of his allergies. What do I say to my parents, to his parents, to my boss when I put in my notice? It won't be easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is.

So I guess I've made my choice. God and Goddess give me strength to walk the path I've
chosen. Guide me on my way. I know I do not walk alone. Blessed Be.

**note that I'm not entirely happy with this post. The one that blogger ate was somehow better, but this will have to do. **

Seriously.......

Give me a fucking break! Check this out.

And I totally agree with the Zero Boss's opinion on it.

Swingers are not what the country needs to be worried about!

Okay, so I'm really lame and haven't posted in a week. Yup.

Sorry, I really don't feel bad about it. I've been pretty busy dealing with things I'd rather not go into here at this time.

Lovely, fun relationship stuff.

Which was why it was really, really nice to get away from the house for three days and three nights. And that, I will post about as soon as I get it written, because it was much fun and happy happy joy joy!!!

Yes . . . I stole it. You caught me.

7 things I plan to do before I die:
1. Have a child.
2. Travel to Europe.
3. Build my dream house.
4. Have my own business.
5. See an ocean.
6. Have a new car
7. Be debt-free

7 things I can do:
1. Draw
2. Write
3. Cross-stitch
4. Cook
5. curl my tongue
6. suck my own toes
7. grow things

7 things I cannot do:
1. whistle
2. snap my fingers
3. blow a bubble (with gum)
4. sing
5. play an instrument
6. see without my glasses or contacts
7. crochet

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1. Brains
2. Sense of humor
3. Aura
4. Strong hands
5. Eyes
6. Intelligence
7. Strength of self

7 things that I say most often:
1. I don't know
2. What the fuck?
3. Fark!
4. I just work here.
5. Please
6. Thank you
7. I love you.

7 celebrity crushes:
1. Gwen Stefani
2. Angelina Jolie
3. John Cusak
4. Kenny Chesney
5. Brad Pitt
6. Vin Diesel
7. Chad Kroeger

*HAVE YOU EVER...*
1. Kissed your cousin: No.
2. Ran away: No.
3. Pictured your crush naked: I don't really do that.
4. Skipped school: A few times.
5. Broken someone's heart: Yes, probably more than once.
6. Been in love: Yes, a few times.
7. Cried when someone died: Yes.
8. Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: Yes.
10. Done something embarrassing: Absolutely, almost daily.
11. Lied: Yes
12. Cried in school: Yes

*WHICH IS [BETTER]...*
13. Coke or Pepsi: Neither, unless mixed with alcohol.
14. Sprite or 7UP: Same as above. I dislike carbonated drinks.
15. Girls or Guys: Yes.
16. Flowers or Candy: Yes.
17. Scruff or Clean shaved: Clean Shaven, but some beards are positively sexy.
18. Blondes or Brunettes: Yes plus red, gray, or balding!
19. bitchy or slutty: Slutty.
20. Tall or Short: Both.
21. Pants or Shorts: Skirts.
22. Night or Day: Both.

*WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX...*
23. What do you notice first: Self-confidence.
24. Like Being Spanked: Yes Sir, may I have another?
25. Worst Question For Him/her to ask: What are you thinking? I blank.

*LAST TIME YOU*
26. Showered: This morning
27. Stepped outside: Coming home from work today
28. Had Sex: with myself last night

*ABOUT YOU...*
29. Ever been Engaged/ Married: engaged, yes, married no
30. Your Good luck charm: Amethyst
31. Person You Hate Most: no one
32. Best Thing That Has Happened: I'm starting to live.
33. Where did it go?: Ask her.
34. Picture on your desktop: A 9 Chickweed Lane comic
35. Color: Purple
36. Movies: funny, dramatic, scary, thought provoking, violent.
37. Artist or band: too many to mention
38. Cars: VW's
39. Ice Cream: this time of year, pumpkin pie
41. Food: pizza

*WHO...*
42. Makes You Laugh The Most: my friends
43. Makes You Smile: My boyfriends and friends.
44. Can Make You Feel Better No Matter What: my friends.
45. Has A Crush On You: No idea.
46. Do You Have A Crush On Someone: Yes.
47. Who Has It Easier?: them
48. Gives You A Funny Feeling When You See Them: That one guy.

*DO YOU EVER...*
49. Sit By The Phone Waiting For A Phone Call All Night: Yes.
50. Save AIM Conversations: Yes.
51. Save E-mails: Personal emails: Yes.
52. Forwarded Secret E-mails: No.
53. Wish You Were Someone Else: Yes.
54. Wish You Were A Member Of The Opposite Sex: Yes.
55. Wear perfume: Vanilla
56. Kiss: Yes yes yes yes.....
57. Cuddle: As often as possible.
58. Go Online For Longer Than Eight Hours At A Time?: Yes. But I'm trying to not do that often.

*HAVE YOU EVER....*
59. Fallen For Your Best Friend?: Yes.
60. Made Out With JUST A Friend?: Yes.
61. Kissed Two People In The Same Day?: Yes.
62. Had Sex With Two Different People in the same day?: Yes, and more.
63. Been Rejected?: Yes.
64. Been In Love?: Lots.
65. Been In Lust?: Lots.
66. Used Someone?: Only if they asked me to.
67. Been Used?: Yes, usually by choice.
68. Dumped Someone?: Not a boyfriend, but can you dump a friend?
69. Been Cheated On?: No
70. Back Doored It?: Yes. Mmmm......
71. Done Something You Regret?: Yes.

*WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...*
72. You Touched?: K
74. You tickled: Southpaw
75. You Instant Messaged?: Southpaw
76. You kicked: My cat (it was an accident, she's always behind me)
77. You Yelled At?: My cat (She knocked over a big glass of water)
78. You Dreamed About?: I'm not telling.
79. Who Text Messaged You?: don't do that
80. Who Broke Your Heart?: truly? someone I thought was a friend
81. Who Told You They Loved You?: K

*DO YOU...*
82. Color Your Hair?: Never.
83. Have Tattoos?: not yet
84. Have Piercings?: just my ears so far
85. Boyfriend/girlfriend?: two boyfriends
86. Own A Webcam?: No.
87. Own A Thong?: Not!
88. Ever Get Off The Damn Computer?: Rarely
89. Sprechen Sie Deutsch?: Nicht so gut.
90. Habla espanol?: No.
91. Buy Designer: No.

*HAVE YOU / DO YOU / ARE YOU...*
92. Stolen Anything?: little shit
93. Smoke?: Never
94. Schizophrenic?: No, but I do talk to myself
95. Obsessive?: At times.
96. Compulsive?: No.
97. Obsessive compulsive?: No
98. Panic?: Rarely.
99. Anxiety?: Often.
100. Stressed?: Often.

*FIRSTS*
First best friend: Renelle
First car: 1986 Chevrolet Cavalier Z-24
First screen name: same as now, but with different numbers
First funeral: My Grandma Nellie, I think
First album: (pause for embarrassment) New Kids on the Block
First pets: Prince (a cat)
First piercing/tattoo: my ears in the third (?) grade
First big trip: to Macinac when I was five
First time skiing: Hah! never
First concert: Garth Brooks, my boyfriend at the time liked country, so I did
First alcoholic drink: a wine cooler my parents gave me when I was like fifteen, sixteen
First job: babysitting
First date: must not be very memorable
First love: books


*LASTS*
Last car ride: Coming home from work
Last kiss: K
Last movie watched: Transporter
Last food you ate: Chicken and cheddar broccoli rice
Last love: excluding current loves, a high school friend
Last temptation: finish the chocolate I bought
Last item bought: cold medicine and candy
Last annoyance: cat knocking over a water glass
Last shirt worn: work polo
Last alcoholic drink: Smirnoff Twisted Cranberry
Last concert: Journey
Last phone call: at work
Last time at the beach: a couple months ago

Sara Evans - A Real Fine Place to Start

I'm gonna do it, darlin'
I could waste time tryin' to figure it out
But I'm jumpin' in anyhow
I've never been this far
Didn't know love could run so deep
Didn't know I'd lose this much sleep

(Chorus)
Holdin' you close
Chasin' that moon
Spendin' all night
Learnin' just who you are
Sparks flyin' in the dark
Shootin' out lights
Runnin' down dreams
Figurin' out
What love really means
Baby, givin' you my heart's
A real fine place to start

Somethin' is goin' on
And I can't explain but sure can touch
It's callin' both of us
Stronger than any fear or doubt
It's changin' everything I see
It's changin' you, it's changin' me

Holdin' you close
Chasin' that moon
Spendin' all night
Learnin' just who you are
Sparks flyin' in the dark
Shootin' out lights
Runnin' down dreams
Figurin' out
What love really means
Baby, givin' you my heart's
A real fine place to start

Right here, right now's
The perfect spot
The perfect time
The perfect moment
When your skin is next to mine
Yeah, yeah

Holdin' you close
Chasin' that moon
Spendin' all night
Learnin' just who you are
Sparks flyin' in the dark
Shootin' out lights
Runnin' down dreams
Figurin' out just
What love really means
Baby, givin' you my heart's
A real fine place
A real fine place to start Oh, yeah
Oh

1997 was definitely not the year of great music

The Mean Teacher had this meme on her page, which I shall now blatantly steal, because I really like her. It suggests you go to this page, cut'n'paste the top 100 tunes of your graduation year, and then mark your preferences and the songs you hate. I think I'll follow her lead and only leave the songs I don't hate, or as she put it, the " songs that didn't make me want to puke."

The Ten Top 100 Songs of 1997 That Didn't Totally Suck

15. Bitch, Meredith Brooks
38. Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?, Paula Cole
39. Sunny Came Home, Shawn Colvin
55. If It Makes You Happy , Sheryl Crow
60. Everyday Is A Winding Road, Sheryl Crow
63. Building A Mystery, Sarah McLachlan
64. I Love You Always Forever, Donna Lewis
69. Tubthumping, Chumbawamba
77. Secret Garden, Bruce Springsteen
94. Barbie Girl, Aqua (okay, this one is a guilty secret, I know it's annoying, but I think it's a hilarious song)

The Cyborg Name Generator

PostSecret is both saddening and inspiring. Check it out

A moment of silence for

Ethel the Goldfish
November 2002 - August 2005

Ethel was a good goldfish. She never complained and was always lively and active. She and her surviving partner Fred were saved from being another fish's meal. Yes, they started out their lives as lowly ten cent feeder fish, but instead lived full and meaningful lives in the fishtank in my kitchen. She will be sorely missed.

On more than one occasion a partner has commented that the look on my face was one of pain. Sometimes pleasure can be so intense it is painful. And at times pain is pleasurable.


Been craving another good spanking something fierce. When I told him that last night, he seemed surprised, but maybe a little pleased. For me it's quite simple, as soon as the ache fades from one it's time for another. *grins* I love that he likes doing it, giving it to me, allowing me to feel that.


Two weeks is too long my dear, hope to see you and my other friends soon.

2000!!!

You know, I don't really pay attention to my counter, but I glanced at it last night and saw that it was soon to hit 2000 unique visitors. Which isn't really much in the realm of the great interwebnetosphere, but I'm just a tiny little insignificant blog. So it's kind of cool. Yay me. I look again this morning and lo and behold it's right at 2000! So happy day for me!

I know . . . I'm weird. Thanks for visiting anyway!

"Love" is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own . . . Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy.

-Robert A. Heinlein

Polyamory Resources

Okay, it seems like I've had quite a few conversations lately with people regarding polyamory, and since I can, I'd like to present some of the resources we have used in our explorations.

One of the best sites to begin with is the standby, alt.polyamory.

Then there's Wikipedia's section on polyamory, which is quite informative.

I highly recommend reading The Ethical Slutby Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. It has great content about dealing with multiple relationships, handling jealousy, resolving conflicts, and generally lots of stuff about non-traditional relationships.

The following are some articles written by the very beautiful and talented Mistress Matisse for her column Control Tower in The Stranger, a Seattle newspaper. She has some very good things to say about polyamory, but remember that what she says deals with her own experiences. I, for one respect her opinion. Your mileage may vary.

Poly Play

Polysexuality

Is She or Isn't She?

Pulling Rank

Get Over Getting Over It

Poly Rules

Non-Competition Clause

Nothing in any of these resources is set in stone. There are many good guidelines, but only you and your partner or partners can decide what is right for you at the time and in the place you are right now. I don't know everything there is to know about being poly. No one does. These are just a handful of what is out there. All you have to do is type polyamory into a search engine like Google, and at last count there are at least 190,000 pages that come up.


"May you live as long as you wish and love as long as you live." - R. A. Heinlein

Well, I'd intended to go out to the club last night. However, about halfway there I received a phone call that required me to go home ASAP. While I was disappointed, I'm glad that I was able to get more sleep than I would have otherwise. But I did miss it. So "Hi" to my friends that I missed seeing last night!

Yet another internal debate

It has come up recently in a couple of conversations, my realization that I could take or leave swinging. I'm just not as into it as some people I see. I don't have personal ads out everywhere, I'm not on a bunch of message board groups, and it doesn't bother me. My last few experiences at it with people other than my friends have been less than thrilling anyway. The sex aspect of it is nice, but what I've really been after is that connection with people. The friendships, the intimacy that comes with knowing someone for more than an evening.

I have what I've always wanted, what I need. I have my partners, both primary and secondary, my intimate friends, and other good friends. I don't remember being this happy ever. But I know from experience that I should still get out there and meet new people. If I don't I will get too settled and stagnant. Can't have that now can we?

Besides, I don't think I could just quit going to the swing club I like to go to, even if I only went to see friends. Speaking of which, I need to get my butt up there this Thursday. I think it's been three weeks since my last time, which is totally out of character.

Spanking and Freezie pops

Thursday I visited some friends after work, hi Mysti and Wulfie, watched a silly movie, then spent the night at my boyfriend, Southpaw's house. As usual, we were up quite late.

The next morning was quite fun. Among other activities, I got a very good spanking. For a supposedly "vanilla" guy, he's getting really good at this. At first I was laying prone on the bed, and after he'd been at it awhile and I was quite warm, he got up. I thought it was over, but he told me to stay face down where I was.

He was gone for a minute, and when he came back I felt a delicious coolness as he slid something icy over my warm behind. It didn't take me long to realize it wasn't an ice cube. Of all things it was a plastic freezie pop, cherry I think.

Well, he then warmed me up again, and shortly had me reposition myself over his knees as he sat on the edge of the bed. This was a first. I'd never before had an over the knee spanking. I truly thought I was going to fall, but he didn't let me. This was, if anything, more wonderfully intense than it had been before.

And there is nothing more wonderful than hearing the words "I love you" as you're being well spanked!

Googlisms

I found this bit of fun on Lock and Ki, a very interesting blog I've just started reading. I, too, am a big fan of Google. It's my home page. I especially like the new map feature, much better than mapquest.

To do this, go to Googlism and enter your name.

These are some of my favorite results from my middle name:

noel is talked about by the daemons
noel is the best
noel is very talented
noel is related to the giant sloth
noel is the only person nookie will let take her out of the nook
noel is one of them
noel is rather a study in contradictions
noel is gay
noel is a great player and a great teacher
noel is completely distracted
noel is unimpressed about the suggestion
noel is another hanging faery
noel is the joker of the pack
noel is without a doubt the best christmas present we've ever received
noel is happy

It is what it is

My lips can still taste his. I can smell him on me. I can feel my skin still tingling from his touch, particularly the posterior portion of me *weg*. What a natural. He says that I'm a good teacher, but you know what I think? I think he knew all along, but didn't know it until now. If that makes sense. I know I'm being vague. Vagueness is all I have at the moment. Concrete definitions cannot exist here. The few things I know for certain are that I love him and he loves me and we just fit.

Leaving him this morning was very hard.

Coming home wasn't, though. I missed K and my kitties. And there was a nice note awaiting me from K. Had some cheerios and juice, and I'll be off to work in a while. I know I won't be able to see him that often . . . the most I can hope for is maybe once a week . . . if that. But it will be enough, as long as he is in my life.

Collide - Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find, you and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find, you and I collide

Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide

You finally find, you and I collide
You finally find, you and I collide

On the edge I stand, looking out at something beautiful, gorgeous beyond compare.

That is a sentence I wrote the morning of August 2nd. The day before seeing my new love for only the second time. I've since stepped over the edge and landed safely in his arms. Another piece of the puzzle that is my heart has been fitted. I love you my darling!

A fun little blog game from Bek :

Again, here are the instructions:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Here are the five questions I was given by Bek:

1. If you could ask one question of an alien race knowing that in their infinite wisdom and technology they would have the answer and they had to answer honestly - what would you ask them?

How can we continue to progress technologically without killing ourselves and our planet?

2. If you could be a fish/ocean critter what would you be and why?

I would be a dolphin, because they are beautiful, intelligent, and funny. They also look quite mischievous.

3. Is it better to have a goal and not achieve it than to not have a goal at all?

Yes. Without goals, what is the point of anything? Nothing would get done. Even at the basest levels we have the goals of water, food, shelter, and love.

4. Realistically, how many times a week would you have sex, assuming it was up to you?

Okay, assuming it's a good week, I'm not on my period, and have a partner or three available . . . I'd say at least once a day, if not more.

5. Think about this one hard....what is the one thing that turns you on the most, like if you think of it you are instantly in the mood?

There are many answers as there are many things that turn me on. With one person it might be the way they pull my hair back hard, with another a long, hard passionate kiss, and another the way they run their fingernails across my skin.

Love is Not Finite

I know I've read about this topic somewhere, so I'm not entirely sure which ideas are mine and which are the bits and pieces I've picked up elsewhere. Therefore I do not claim originality with anything I say here. It's all been percolating in my brain for a long time anyway. It is at the heart of who I really am, for me, at the core of my identity as polyamorous.

Love is a strange and mysterious substance.

Love goes by many names: caring, affection, adoration, fondness, devotion.

Some people insist on treating love as something that can be divided and distributed, where the pieces eventually run out. However, I disagree. Love is not a commodity to be parceled out. You won't eventually run out of love. There is always more there, an infinite supply.

The more love that is in your heart, the more people you love, the more intense is that love. It expands to fill whatever space is available. It connects hearts distant in time and space. Love multiplies, it should not divide.

Can't wait

A couple of months ago I got introduced to a friend of a friend. His name is Southpaw. Turns out he's really good with leather, among other things, and has been working on making my friends and I some toys. Hopefully I can learn how to do some things from him too.

Anyway, we've gotten to be really good friends since then. And I'm so freakin' excited! I'm on vacation this week, and I'm going to go spend Wednesday with him! I think he has my restraints ready . . . and I'll get a custom fitting! Guess what? They are purple! Yay! So, hopefully I'll get him to take some pictures of me modeling them that I can post.

And did I mention I get to spend the whole day with him?

. . . yummy . . .

Miscommunication?

It's not really anyone's fault. We each left things unsaid.

Okay, a little background . . . my S.O. and I and some friends regularly go to this club. Last night was one of their special nights, they call Love & Bondage. You know, whips, leather, screaming . . . it's all good. I'm really into this . . . him not so much.

I had made special arrangements to have my vacation scheduled to start that day, so I wouldn't have to worry about working the next day. Had everything ready to go. I was very disappointed that one couple I know couldn't attend, but was determined to have fun anyway. My S.O., K, wasn't really feeling up to going, but friends had asked if he was coming and I really wanted him to go, so I talked him into coming anyway.

Miscommunication #1: He apparently did not know it was L&B night, even though he is just as capable of looking at a calendar as I am, and, hint hint, I was wearing my collar. (Yes I am somewhat submissive, but I don't belong to anyone at the moment, and if I choose to wear a collar I will and it's none of your business if I choose to do so. Okay?) I don't wear it very often at all, these are some of the few nights I do.

(Sidenote: I'm discovering I really like being the one administering the swats too. Interesting.)

Miscommunication #2: One of our friends had made the statement on several occasions that she really wanted to see K and hoped he would come up and join us at the club. He doesn't come that often anymore. This was apparently interpreted in more than a friendly way by him and was the cause of some disappointment. That's all I'm going to say about that.

So, at the beginning of the evening I'd been contemplating asking a very lovely Lady if she would like to be very mean to me, but things happened and while I did have fun, it didn't go as I would have liked. Who knows, I probably would have chickened out before asking her anyway.

More things about me

1. I have three cats, Mattie May, Jezebel Lou, and Gracie Jean Marie (those are their long names, the ones I yell when they're being bad.)
2. I have three fish, Fred and Ethel, who are goldfish, and Alfie, the algae eater.
3. I've had many cats, two Scottish terriers, a hampster, and a guinea pig.
4. I like coffee, good coffee, but I've been drinking mostly green tea lately.
5. My mood changes like the wind.
6. I don't usually eat breakfast.
7. I could live on pizza.
8. I like things spicy, but not too hot, but not everything.
9. I like to cook and bake, but I hate to clean up.
10. I don't like really hot humid weather.
11. I love to be touched.
12. I love intense sensation.
13. I'm ticklish, but I can control my response to it.
14. I usually think with my heart first, my head second.
15. I'm not at all organized.
16. I never picked up my senior yearbook from high school.
17. I'll re-read a favorite book many times.
18. I'm afraid that I will always like people more than they like me.
19. I don't like asking for help.
20. I'm afraid of rejection.

Something fun and interesting

A friend introduced me to OKCupid a little while ago. It's a fun site where you can take quizzes people make up, answer questions to determine your compatibility with other people, have a profile and pictures, and connect with people and make friends.

It's free and fun, if you like that kind of thing. Maybe, if you ask me nicely, I'll give you the link so you can see my profile.

Yay!

Cedar Point was fun. I hadn't been there in years. It wasn't a perfect day, but it was, if you know what I mean. Yes it was hot, humid, and rained off and on, but I got to spend time with the greatest people. Rode a few rides, walked a lot, people-watched, got soaked in the rain and twice on Thunder Canyon. I'm still a bit tired and sore, but it was so worth it. I had a blast, people!

Hi, missed me?

Not too much going on lately. Been working a lot and looking for a new job. Went out last night and had much fun. I met a nice couple, the woman was really cute and very cool, and I got her phone number. Woohoo!!! Tomorrow I'm going to Cedar Point with some friends, which should be very cool. I'm also hoping to make up for some past missed opportunities in the coming weeks.

People I would not kick out of my bed

• Vin Diesel
• Brad Pitt
• Angelina Jolie
• John Cusak
• Gwen Stefani
• Jon BonJovi
• Kevin Spacey
• Jessica Alba
• Chad Kroeger
• Toby Keith
• Kenney Chesney

Things I've been thinking about

• finding a new job
• my relationships with people
• various forms of kink
• what is my kink? Do I have one?
• playing
• getting organized
• what I would like to write about

As you can see, I'm kind of scattered at the moment. Nothing seems to be gelling into a coherent post. Ah well, there's always tomorrow.

Bek's photo assignment

I was going to do this anyway, since Mysti pointed it out, but after a direct request, who can resist?

This is a picture of Mackinac Bridge in Michigan. That is pronounced Mack-in-aw, not Mack-in-ack. It connects the upper peninsula to the lower part of Michigan. It is really long and fun to drive over, which I think I've done at least four times, if not more. My family and I used to go camping a lot. Often in Michigan and Minnesota. And I've taken the ferry twice to Mackinac Island, where no cars are allowed. Most things on the island are delivered by horse or bike. And there's a fort. Lots of neat historical stuff. It's all so beautiful. But I wouldn't go swimming in the lake, too cold.

My thoughts and prayers are with you

To all the people in London and people everywhere coping with and fighting terrorism, my thoughts, prayers and energy are in your direction. I can hope for better things to come, but my cynical nature tells me that those who wish harm on others will not change any time soon.

I know....

I haven't posted in a while. It was a busy weekend, work and picnics. And I'm trying to catch up on housework I've neglected. Also the search for a better job goes on. There are a few possibilities, but I'd be so much better off if I lived in a bigger city. Maybe I'll write a story or something to post. I'll even take requests or suggestions.

One word . . .

I saw this on another journal, thought it might be fun.

Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me.
It can only be one word.
No more.
Then copy & paste this in your journal so that other people may leave a word about you.

Also, if I don't know you, please introduce yourself.

More question fun with Mysti

Ok, to recap, for those of you just now joining us, I'm answering questions put to me by fellow bloggers. Anyone can join in at any time. You don't even have to have a blog.

Now, more from Mysti:

If you were to be blindfolded and led to a room where all you could smell was leather.. how would you react? ;)

Oh wow......the smell of leather is such a turn-on. I'd probably be breathing in the smell deeply and getting pretty wet. But you knew that didn't you, you little minx.

If money were no object and you were told to buy an outfit that was extremely sexy and that would turn you on just by wearing it.. what would that outfit look like?

A really nice leather corset, full bust, but low cut v, low back, black, and a nice above the knee leather skirt. Black fishnets. Some nice, high, stripper boots, black. And a nice, wide black leather collar with fancy stitching and one large ring at the front. My hair would be piled on the top of my head to better accentuate the collar and neckline of the corset. Maybe wear wrist and ankle cuffs, or at least wrist.

The phone rings... it's a fictional character that is calling for a long deep conversation... which fictional character is it?

No question, it's Lazarus Long. But why he'd want to talk to me, I have no clue.

It's the morning after.. and a lover who you were with... who was not all that great in bed asks you to be honest and tell him/her what you thought of his/her perfomance.. what do you say?

If it was our first time together I may not say anything and give it a second try. If, after that, it was still not that great, I might gently tell them that we just weren't compatible in that way. I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings, but I would tell them what I'd like to do differently. But, if, after all that, it still wasn't working, then let them know it wouldn't happen again.

More answers for Bek

Our Bek is a curious girl. I think I'll have to come up with some questions soon for her. But for right now, answers to her most recent inquiries.

And if any more of you have questions for me, leave a comment or email me. Thanks. Love ya.

1. What, if anything, would you change about yourself, physical or otherwise?

Okay, I like being a curvy girl, but if I could I'd lose about 45 lbs. more and have my skin be all tight and not saggy. I'm doing good though. I'm down to 210, from being way up at 275.

2. When was the last time you cried? What happened that made you cry?

The last time I really cried, and I'm talking more than a little eye-watering, was probably during my last down cycle, being depressed. Maybe a month, month and a half ago. I don't remember why, but it could have been any little thing that set it off. I try not to remember why I cry.

3. Do you believe in love at first sight?

I'm not sure. Attraction at first sight, sure. Love takes a while. I've been known to give my heart away too easily, so I'm more guarded lately.

Answers for Bek

If people were a rainbow of colors what color would you be and why?

I would be red for my hair, green for my Irish ancestry, purple because it's my other favorite color, silver because it is beautiful and pure, and black for lovely, lovely leather.

On the subject of "what would you be", if you were a food what would you be and why?

I would be, now don't laugh, cheese. Stop Laughing! No, I'd be cheese, because there is such a variety of it. Different kinds for different purposes. Different flavors. I think it fits, because my personality has many facets.

What was your biggest heartbreak as a child?

I'd have to say that would be when my Aunt and Uncle (dad's brother) divorced. I was maybe twelve? She was like my second mother. I spent so many summers at her house, she babysat a lot of kids. Turns out he'd been having an affair for quite a while. I hated him for the longest time and wouldn't talk to him. But everyone gets along now. It's in the past.

As an adult (so far)?

Being lied to by someone I thought I knew. I may not be 100% truthful 100% of the time, who is? But I've never lied about such a fundamental aspect of my life. I'd say telling me, and all the rest of my friends, that you're single when you're actually married is a pretty fucking big deal.

What was your most embarassing moment up until now?

I think when I fainted in front of a tenth grade class after giving a speech.

How did you handle it?

Pretended it didn't happen.

Okay, So I could go on forever...Stop me, please...And just because I am not your friend does that mean I don't get tickles??

If I knew you weren't going to slap me for it, sure, I'd tickle you. You're cute.

Answers for Mysti

1. If you could choose one person.. living or dead.. to invite for dinner.. who would it be.. and why?

Just one person? Living or dead, so must be a real person I guess. It's really hard to limit myself to one, so I'll say Robin Williams. Simply because whatever else, it would be entertaining. And I wouldn't have to worry about conversational skills or being intelligent enough because that guy can go on and on with no help. And I would videotape it.

2. What would be a perfect date to you?

The perfect date was meeting at a local coffee shop for the first time in real life. Arriving at practically the same time and walking in together. I can't remember what we ordered. I probably got an iced mocha latte and he a tall cranberry juice. Talking and talking. That first touch of his hand on mine. Leaving there towards closing and heading to a bar he knew. I was only 19, so I had some kind of fruity juice. More talking, but it was darker here. That first kiss was wonderful. Then after a while the barmaid told us to cut it out because some of the other (very few) patrons were uncomfortable.

A future perfect date might involve a nice dinner, good conversation, or it might involve me tied up and being whipped and otherwise tortured. Variety is the spice of life!

3. Island, beach, moutains, desert, flowerfilled field with a quiet stream rolling thru, or busy downtown city... which do you prefer most?

Oh, hard choice, for the most part. I could rank them from best to worst. Field with stream, island, mountains, beach, desert, city.

4. What is the most unusual website you'd admit to visiting?

Depends on what you mean by unusual. Weirdest right now would be Pointless Waste of Time. I've probably been to more unusual sites than that, but that's a current one.

5. Favorite guilty pleasures in the following categories: Music, food, movie, tv show, and piece of clothing?

Music: okay, I haven't done it in a loooong time, but I still have somewhere the complete New Kids on the Block tape collection, at least through Step by Step.

Food: really, really dark chocolate. The good stuff, expensive and heavenly. Not just Hershey's, but that will do in a pinch.

Movie: Empire Records.

TV Show: Iron Chef.

Clothing: lovely, long, swishy broomstick skirts.

Yay!

Woohoo!! I passed the 1000 unique visitor mark sometime today. I know, no big deal, right? But I think it's pretty cool. Go me.

One of my favorite mantras

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind killer.
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn my inner eye to see it's path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

-From Frank Herbert's Dune

For some situations, it really helps.

Hi there

So, for those of you who do check this blog regularly, and I know there aren't many, I have an assignment. Ask me some questions. Please. What do you want to know? What burning question lingers in your mind? I'm an open book. And I'll be really disappointed if you don't. I'll answer anything you ask, or if I can't for some reason, I will tell you why.

Thank you in advance for your participation.
(and for my friends, you better participate, or I'll tickle you)

Thank you

You know, I was thinking this morning that while there are many things in my life that still suck, I am really very, very happy at this time and place. I have the world's greatest friends, lots of love, and good times. My heart feels so full.

No Title, a story by me

(read as internal dialog in my mind)

It's dark. Wait, why is it so dark? What happened? I can't move. I can't move?!! Okay, don't panic. Think. Try and remember what happened.

I was at a party with some friends. Didn't know who's house it was, but it seemed alright. I never drink much, but I'd had a couple, and when someone handed me another I never questioned it. She seemed nice enough. . .

And that's the last thing I remember.

Breathe. Just breathe. It feels like I'm on some kind of bed, mattress anyway. My arms are pulled back behind my head. It feels like my legs are tied apart. Feels kind of cool in here, wherever here is. No wonder, my clothes are gone. And there is something over my eyes.

Light! Around the edges of the blindfold. Maybe someone is coming for me. I'm not sure that's such a good thing. Sound of a door opening. I can hear them breathing. I think they're right next to me. A hand trails up my leg, my torso. I gasp in shock at the touch. A deep voice says, "Don't speak. You will not speak unless asked a direct question," as he pinches and twists my nipple as if in punctuation. I try to turn away, but I can't because of the restraints. "You know it is useless to struggle, girl. So don't waste the effort, you'll need your energy."

What am I doing here? What is he going to do to me? I hear another voice. Sounds like a woman. Will she help me?

"Is she awake yet?"

"Yes. I think she's fully aware of things."

So much for hope of help. I'm so scared. Why am I here?

"Well. Lets make sure. Listen to me, girl. No one knows where you are. As far as your friends know, you left the party with a man you met here. No one is even looking for you yet. Maybe no one will. You will do as you are told, or you will be punished. You will not speak unless we ask you a direct question. We will keep you here as long as we like, and there is nothing you can do about it. Now, do you know who we are?"

As she said that, she took off the blindfold. "Yes. I know who you are. You're the couple who owns the house where the party was. I don't know your names." Oh no, no one knows where I am. No help. No hope of rescue.

"That's alright. You don't need to. Now be quiet."

They're on either side of me . . . touching me . . . running their hands up and down my body. I try so hard not to react. Look at something else. What can I see? It's a small room. White walls, door, and I think I can see a sink. Things in the walls, ceiling. Like hardware of some kind. God, I can't concentrate. This shouldn't feel so good. She's using her nails. Don't react. He's massaging my breasts. Pulling, pinching the nipples. Harder, harder. Ohhhh . . . I can't. Oh no. Hands between my legs. I'm not. I am. Wet. No sane person should enjoy this, right?

"Look here. The little slut is wet already. Let's not disappoint her."

He pulls out this thing from under the bed. A flogger, I think. He starts to brush it over my skin. So soft, almost gentle. Then suddenly he's smacking the inside of my thighs with it. It stings, feels heavy, doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But as he continues I can feel it's hot. Stinging, thudding. Hurting. So unreal. She's moving around by my head. I can't tell what she's doing. Suddenly I feel a hard pinch on one nipple, but it doesn't go away. Owww . . . Now the other one. I'm breathing so hard now. Pulse racing. And he's still flogging me. A pause. Before I can catch my breath, I scream. He's not flogging my thighs anymore. Right on my pussy lips! I can't stand it . . .

Right when I think I'll pass out from shock at what is happening it stops. Suddenly she's kissing me, full on the lips, I can feel her tongue. Somehow I can't help but kiss back. I don't know where these feelings are coming from, but I'm so hot and their hands feel so good on me after that flogging. He's on top of me now, my legs released, entering me hard. It should have hurt, but I'm so wet. Well it does hurt abit, but in a strange good way. My thighs and lips feel like they're on fire. And he's pounding against me. The clamps get taken off. Oh my nipples burn.There's a mouth on each of them now. What is wrong with me? Oh, I'm going to come! As I cry out, something inside me gives in. Pain, pleasure, so intertwined.

They let me sleep for a while. Then they come back and start over again. Pleasure and pain, and I can't stop it. Leather and rope. Spanking, pinching, slapping, caressing, feather-light touches over mybody. I'm made to do many things. Any hesitation is punished. Giving in is my only hope of salvation.

Later they say that they'll only keep me for the weekend. I don' t know whether to be disappointed or relieved. But they say I can come back if I want! As much as I want to resist it, I have to admit the possibilities are dazzlingly attractive. I have never felt so free and alive in being captive and unable to escape. It goes round in circles in my head, the intense pain and the beautiful pleasure, staying or fleeing.

Do I leave and never look back? Just tell myself I was forced to do those things. It wasn't really my fault. I couldn't get away.

Or do I return? If I do it is as much as admitting to myself what a little pain/pleasure-slut I really am.

I can't wait until next time.

What is normal?

(This is a re-written, edited version of something I wrote a while back. I was looking through my writings and thought it might make a good post.)

Normal, when applied to an individual's behavior, is defined as not deviating very much from their average behavior. It is an evolving definition as no individual remains static their whole life. I do not mean that everything I have done or will do is "normal." I, like anyone else, am capable of doing something so totally out of the ordinary for me as to be "not normal."

On the other hand, a behavior that is not normal, if repeated, may become normal. As a wise friend told me, "Normal is a lie." Basically, normal, when applied to more than one person, loses meaning. No individual is identical to another. Normal only has concrete definitions in reference to science and mathematics terms.

Normal for me is many things. In the morning I have coffee, check my email and favorite blogs, make sure K is up and has clothes set out, see that the cats and fish are fed, and review what I need to do for the day. On mornings where I have to leave especially early, normal goes out the window. But that too is normal. Normal is coming home in the evening, making dinner, listening to music, maybe a little news, talking to K and relaxing from the day. Normal is reading before I fall asleep. Normal is wanting to keep everyone happy.

Normal is also being very sexual. From the age of thirteen it has been a large part of my life and awareness. It has evolved from learning how my own body functions to exploring the myriad of possibilities that exist in this crazy world. Normal is liking the hair at the back of your head grasped and held while being roughly kissed or having your neck bitten. Normal is wanting the things you're not supposed to want.

Normal is whatever you want it to be. Unfortunately no matter how much we remind ourselves of that, the human tendency is to judge others by our definitions. I just need to keep reminding myself that I am the only one that can truly judge for myself what is normal. See the following references for interesting takes on the definition of normal.

Wikipedia - Normal
Urban Dictionary - Normal

This is funny

A hilarious commentary on the state of alt personal ads, found via the fabulous Mistress Matisse.


And this entry from this man is so funny there aren't words, but be sure to look at the picture link at the end. Monk is way hot, and did I mention funny. I'd definitely make a point to visit him if I were ever in Seattle.

I won't beg . . .

But if you could leave a comment just telling me how you found my site and who you are I would appreciate it. Leave a link to your site too, if you like. If I haven't visited you, I will. Thanks.

Stuff

I've been thinking about a lot of things yesterday and today. Relationships, friendships, and how I deal with them. How I compartmentalize certain things. Pain, sadness, desires, loves, hopes.

Someone screws you over, or whatever the case may be, put that in a little box on the shelf, and when you have time to be pissed, or hurt, or just sad, you open it up and deal with a little bit of it. And when it gets to the point where it will overwhelm you, shut the lid and walk away.

If I felt everything I'm capable of feeling all at once I would literally go insane. So I guess compartmentalizing is a coping mechanism.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The last few months have been amazing. I have friends now. I think. I hope. It's been so long since I've had real friends. And these are the best kind, my kind of friends. See, I should explain.

I've noticed I have boundary issues. I'm working on this.

When I like someone, enough to want to be with, talk to, exchange ideas - ya know, hang with, it almost always turns into sexual feelings. Which prior to this group of friends presented somewhat of a problem. I've always been this way, but most of the time my self control keeps it in check. Good thing I don't have to so much anymore.

When I like someone, really like someone, I like them all the way. Appearance doesn't matter, it's who they are that matters. Which dovetails into my poly feelings and I don't feel like going there right now.

But my judge of character needs fine-tuning too. It never occurred to me to question what someone tells me about themselves. May be naive, but I like to think people are as up-front and honest as I am. I may refrain from saying something, but I don't lie about it.

I may edit this post. Not totally happy with it, but hell, it's my blog and I'll post what I want.

Happy Summer Solstice

I hope you all take the time to enjoy this, the day of longest light. Turn your face to the sun and feel its warmth. Let the light fill your soul and illuminate the dark corners within.

Love, light, life.

Wonderful

There's something wonderful about having been with someone for a long period of time. They know you. Your reactions, your needs, your patterns, your timing.

Last night and early this morning was just what the doctor ordered. Sometimes I just need to be pushed ever so slightly to go over the edge into total slut mode. And he knows when I want it, when I need it. He knows how I breathe when I'm going to come, so he can keep me on edge forever. Then I come harder than I ever do by myself.

He knows when to grab my hair and direct me to what he wants. He makes me beg for it. Calls me names, talks to me, tells me what I am, and I love it. I eat it up. I'd take rough, exciting, almost violent sex two out of three times.

Man, I'm going to be so sore . . .

I think, given my most recent experiences, I'm going to stick with people I already know as far as any playing. That's pretty much why I stuck with my lovely girl last night. New guys are on the back burner. There are a couple friends I'd really like to play with again, just haven't gotten the chance lately. More later, have to go to work.

What is real?

I'm still so much in shock. Probably will be for a while. I trusted someone and was lied to. I don't know what was real and what was made up. He had us all fooled. I actually cared about him.

Liar!

Con Artist!

Thanks so much for making it damn near impossible to trust anyone.
You were a good actor.

No.....

I won't fill my blog with quiz results, but these were fun.

You are 100% Bisexual

How bisexual are you?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

This was sooooo predictable......

You're a "Dirty Fuck".

You're a dirty minded girl and love mixing pain with pleasure.

You take bondage and all that good stuff over romance any day.

If only your parents knew.



What Kind of Fuck Are You?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

What is wrong with you people?

Okay, first off, I'm on a couple of personals sites with a searchable profile. Not because I'm seriously looking, but just to see what/who is out there. And I'm well aware that many people put together a profile on a whim. But come on people, grammar, spelling, punctuation, things like that, are important. At least to someone like me. If you can't write basic sentences or if you type in all caps or have a picture of your genitals as your picture, I wouldn't even think of responding to your ad. But I've seen many people rant on this topic, so I'll shut up now. That is all.

My new toy

-well at least for a week. Until I get one of my own.

See, a friend of a friend works with leather. My friend was talking to him about possibly trying to make our own floggers. So he went ahead and made a prototype, which is lying right across my lap as I type. For a first try this is beautiful. (Not that I'm an expert.) It's a navy blue and black flogger.

I'd say the falls are about 15-16 inches. He used clothing grade leather, so its not too heavy. He pointed the tips, which is a nice decorative touch, and gives it a nice sting. We haven't tested it out too much yet, but I like the feel of it so far. A nice thud with just enough sting to make it interesting.

The black has a shiny side and the blue are suede. The handle feels nice, not too long. And while the covering of the handle isn't the really neat braided style you see on expensive floggers, it does have a criss-cross thong decoration, which gives a good grip, and pretty upholstery tacks for decoration. The only thing lacking is a wrist loop at the end.

But. The most awesome part? This friend is going to teach us how to make them. He's even going to provide the leather/glue/tools. All we have to do is bring our own dowel and suede if we want it. And other than that, it's free. As in no charge. No money. Zero.

So now, as cheesy as it's always sounded to me, I can practice a bit on a pillow or something. At least this week. Oh I can't wait until I get my own.

Turn-ons (in no particular order)

1. deep kissing
2. biting, nibbling - on my neck or anywhere
3. fingernails - being scratched, lightly or hard
4. feather light touches
5. having my hair pulled
6. my neck period
7. having my nipples pinched and played with
8. having my pussy lips slapped or pinched or pulled
9. having my head held in place while I give oral
10. feel of a cock in my mouth
11. feel of a clit under my tongue
12. feel of a nipple on my lips
13. burying my face in a woman's breasts
14. being blindfolded
15. my hands bound behind my back
16. having my nipples clamped
17. the feel of a flogger
18. a voice whispering naughty things in my ear
19. being told exactly what will be done to me
20. and then having it done

This is just a quick list. I'll probably add to it.

I just love the lyrics from this song

Nickleback - Figured You Out

I like your pants around your feet
I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favourite damn disease

And I love the places that we go
And I love the people that you know
And I love the way you can't say no
Too many long lines in a row
I love the powder on your nose

Ooooh And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out

I like the freckles on your chest
And I like the way you like me best
And I like the way you're not impressed,
While you put me to the test
I like the wine stains on your dress

Have you ever...?

snuck out of the house - Yes
gotten lost in your city - no
seen a shooting star - Yes
been to any other countries besides Canada - no
had a serious surgery - not unless you count getting your tonsils out, and I don't
gone out in public in your pajamas - no
kissed a stranger - no, but I have kissed people I've just met
hugged a stranger - Yes
been in a fist fight - no
laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose - yes
pushed all the buttons on an elevator - of course I have
swore at your parents - my dad, yes
been in love - yes
been close to love - Yes
been to a casino - No
been skydiving - No. No. No. Most definitely not.
skinny dipped - Yes
skipped school - Yes
seen a therapist - Yes
done the splits - no, but I can suck my toes
played spin the bottle - Oh yeah
gotten stitches - no
drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour - No
bitten someone - Yes
been to Niagara Falls - yes
gotten the chicken pox - Yes
kissed a member of the opposite sex - as often as possible
crashed into a friend's car - no
been to Japan - No.
ridden in a taxi - yes, in New York. I don't recommend it.
been dumped - yes
shoplifted - No
been fired - No
had a crush on someone of the same sex - yes
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back - yes
gone on a blind date - Yes
lied to a friend - Yes
had a crush on a teacher - yes
celebrated Mardi-Gras in new Orleans - No
been to Europe - No.
slept with a co-worker - no
been married - No
gotten divorced - No
had children - No
seen someone die - no
been to Africa - no
driven over 400 miles in one day - No, but I've been a passenger
been to US - live here
been to Mexico - No
been to India - No
been on a plane - Yes
seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show - Yes
thrown up in a bar - No
purposely set a part of myself on fire - no
eaten sushi - No
been skiing/snowboarding - No
met someone in person from the internet - Yes, I live with him
gone to college/university - yes
graduated college/university - yes
fired a gun - yes
purposely hurt yourself - yes
taken painkillers - yes
been intimate with someone of the same gender - yes

Love and Bondage Night

This club I go to once or twice a week has a "Love and Bondage" night every two months, which isn't nearly enough for my tastes. This is where they open up the adjoining dungeon to the club, so you can go in, use the equipment, toys, etc. Watch people get whipped or otherwise tortured. It is very fun.

I had fun showing some friends around who had never been in the dungeon before. Saw lots of fun things. People playing with a violet wand, people on the cross getting flogged. And there were some things I never would have believed had I not seen it for myself. Amazing.

I'll write more later, right now I have things I need to do.

When you don't expect anything . . .

you usually get what you expect.

A sort of movie review

Well, I finally gave in and saw Episode III. All I can say, as I've heard other people say, is it didn't suck. The effects were great, cool, neato, but man, I've read better dialogue in teenage romance novels. I mean, where are all the great writers. I know it's Lucas's story, but can't he afford help? Or is it that no one is willing to tell him that anything sucked, cause he's so rich and powerful?

The bestest part? Was a preview of the next best thing since the Lord of the Rings trilogy. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Oh Yeah. I can't wait. It looked totally awesome. The little I saw was perfect. Beautiful.

Random thoughts for today

• I hate bras.
• Why is it no one but me can see that the cat(s) have puked and clean it up?
• B-A-N-A-N-A-S
• I refuse to pay what the movie theaters charge for snacks. This is why I'm a woman and carry a purse.
• Really need to learn CSS.
• Wonder how much Episode III is going to suck?

I am not a relationship counselor!

I really like my friends. I do. Or I wouldn't hang out with them. But talking to one this afternoon has gotten me really frustrated. Her and her partner seem to have quite a few issues to work through. But I can only offer advice, say what has worked for me and my partner. However, I'm not a professional counselor. I can't help them with their relationship beyond being a friend.

My partner K and I have learned quite a few things. Give each other space. Talk a lot. Don't leave things unsaid. Let each other do our own thing, but come back and talk about it. Don't be too clingy. And did I mention communicate? I don't own him and he doesn't own me. We know this and don't try to monopolize each other.

We have each developed our own interests, but still have some we do together. I value my time alone, but I also value my time with him. We've become comfortable making separate plans, but still do lots together. Prime example: more often than not I go to the club without him, especially since he started his new job this week. So last night I went to be with friends and he went to see his girl. It's all good.

Selected lyrics from Christina Aguilera's Fighter

After all you put me through
You'd think I'd despise you
But in the end I want to thank you
Because you made me that much stronger

You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong'
Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wanna know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter.

Party!

I think I can speak for all of my good friends when I say we're looking very much forward to Thursday at the club. We're all bringing something, and fully intend to party all night. I think there will be at least six of us. Maybe we can recruit more! Lol. Too bad the really good DJ quit. Hopefully they'll find another one soon. But the celebration will proceed nevertheless. Remember, laughter is encouraged, as is sharing, and no drama is allowed. Any offences will be punished by tickling. And most important, have fun!

What is polyamory?

Since I've talked to a few people lately about this, I figured if anyone else has questions about it I would provide this link. They answer questions far better than I can. So, if you want to know what polyamory is, click here and go to the FAQ.

Dear Anonymous,

After mulling this over for a couple days I've come up with this: you totally missed the point of my post.

The point was that the person my friend and I were dealing with was supposedly an experienced dominant. And as such he should know that novices such as my friend and I were in no position to consent to what actually happened. It is the ethics of it that are in question. It matters not what I thought or she thought about whatever relationship was or wasn't there.

The point is that as a more experienced person, he knew the protocol and ignored it. It isn't right to not provide safewords for a first session. It isn't right to make a person feel like safewords shouldn't be used once they are given. It should be encouraged for a person to use their safewords and not make them feel guilty about it.

I also found it quite interesting to note that while I was encouraged to read several books and broaden my knowledge of the subject, my friend was given the exact opposite advice and told that the exact same books really wouldn't help her. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

One of my favorite songs

American Girl, Tom Petty

Well she was an American girl
Raised on promises
She couldn’t help thinkin' that there
Was a little more to life
Somewhere else
After all it was a great big world
With lots of places to run to
Yeah, and if she had to die
Tryin’ she had one little promise
She was gonna keep

Oh yeah, all right
Take it easy baby
Make it last all night
She was an American girl

It was kind of cold that night
She stood alone on her balcony
She could the cars roll by
Out on 441
Like waves crashin’on the beach
And for one desperate moment there
He crept back in her memory
God it’s so painful
Something that’s so close
And still so far out of reach

Oh yeah, all right
Take it easy baby
Make it last all night
She was an American girl

Lightening the mood

I quite enjoyed reading this guy's Rant on Pervs that piss me off . Perhaps you'll like it too. And no, this isn't for anyone in particular, I just thought it was funny.

Actually quite a bit of this community is funny. It's nice to see people with a sense of humor. I like laughing, even at myself.

This is also quite funny, if you are at all poly inclined.

To that one special reader

So, I'm one of the "unfriendlies" hmmm? I don't know, I mean all of my friends seem to think I'm very friendly. I'm so damn friendly and gullible I let myself get into a situation I shouldn't have. And now I'm having to help a friend through the same damn thing.

My self education has taught me much. That you went about things the wrong way. There was no negotiation. I walked into things voluntarily where I had no earthly idea what was going to happen. It's not right to take a novice in BDSM who doesn't know how things are supposed to be and put them in such situations. Getting blanket consent from such a person is wrong. Period. End of story.

But thank you. Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson. It will be a long time before I trust someone so easily. Have a nice day!

"One Thing" - Finger Eleven

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line

It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing

If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

If I lived there I'd go every day

I had the afternoon free yesterday, so I made plans with a friend to meet at a park up on Lake Erie. It was destined to be a good day, for I did not get the least bit lost. Got there almost an hour early, but on purpose. If I can, I give myself extra time to get somewhere the first time I go, cause I get lost.

It was sunny and cool, windy. I, dork that I am, forgot my jacket. But it didn't matter. The lake and beach and trees tinged with green were all just so beautiful. I sat on a picnic table on the beach and just watched the water.

Maybe it's ironic or something, but it put me in mind of watching a fire. The constantly changing patterns of the waves. Always changing but always the same. Hypnotizing you the same way watching a campfire does. I could have sat and watched until the sun went down.

But I was freezing, so I went back to my car to wait the remaining fifteen minutes until my friend arrived. We went to dinner and talked a lot. Yep, I'll definitely be going back there when I can.

Sexy? You bet!

More and more often I am hearing myself called "sexy" or "beautiful" or what have you. This is a curious phenomenon as until recently I never ventured to think of myself as such. Oh, I've been called these things before, but now I'm actually beginning to think of myself this way and not laugh inside when I hear it from someone else.

I find myself dressing to show my body off, instead of hiding in my clothes. I'm more comfortable in my skin. I'd have to be, wouldn't I? I mean, a year ago I would have been petrified to get naked with anyone other than my partner, and just last week I find myself in a room with four other people having all kinds of fun. At my suggestion, no less.

I'm more confidant, more willing to go after what I want, more willing to make the first move. And less willing to put up with things I would have let slide in the past.

I'm not usually political, but . . .

I just think that this is something you should be concerned about if you are an American citizen. I know I haven't watched much news lately, but I hadn't heard a thing about this. And I don't like it.

"The man of power is ruined by power, the man of money by money, the submissive man by subservience, the pleasure seeker by pleasure."

Hermann Hesse
Swiss (German-born) author (1877 - 1962)

no title

What do you do when you see someone in a situation where you're pretty sure they are going to get hurt? And you know this because you've been there, done that. But saying anything makes it look you're just out to ruin their fun. When in truth you just don't want to see them go through what you did?

A good friend gave me this advice: sometimes you just have to stand back and let someone learn the hard way. And it's not easy. Just be there for them when they need you.

Now I can appreciate how my friends felt. At least they had the grace not to say "I told you so." So, thank you to everyone who cared enough to let me make my mistakes. I did learn from it. At least I hope I did.

Time to switch things up a bit

I really really want to get involved in a (somewhat) local bdsm group sometime soon, but I just can't afford the extra expense at the moment. So, until then I'm just talking to people. As annoying as chat rooms can be, they are a way to meet people. I've met a few interesting local doms, but I don't think I want to meet them in person just yet. That, and I'm not looking for the same things they are. I'm attached, and most of them want someone single. But it is nice to talk to people with, in one man's case, about twenty years experience. And yes, I do not need to be reminded that anyone can pretend to be anything online.

And I have the best luck meeting people at this club I go to. A lady I'm currently talking to is proving very interesting. Not to mention that she is gorgeous and we get along fabulously. A big thank you to the man that introduced us.

The more I read about SM, the more I want to actually learn how to use the implements that I want used on me. The books tell you the basics, but I need to get my hands on the tools and practice. Which is why I'll use the opportunity at the end of the month to really look at things and decide what to put on my wish list.

Things that never cease to amaze me . . .

• the ability of a customer to make a purchase and walk away without it
• being asked if I work there when I am clearly wearing the requisite polo and name tag
• the lady who has to have her paper towels double bagged, cause you know they'll break if the bag suddenly splits
• the guy who only ever buys cat food, nothing else
• the inability of people to read the sign on the door with the hours we are open clearly posted
• the things people will tell you when purchasing pregnancy tests
• the things people tell you period, prime example: a lady tells me that her husband asked her to shave his butt. I kid you not, this happened last night.
• the old man who tells the same jokes every time, and is surprised I know the punchline
• the people who don't know their own PIN number and somehow think I do
• the people who want to know who to make the check out to, I mean you don't know where you're shopping?
• the old men who hit on me
• the old women who are clearly colorblind when getting dressed

that's all for now

Trust Me

The following definition of trust is borrowed from Wikipedia

"Trust in sociology is a relationship between people. It involves the suspension of disbelief that one person will have towards another person or idea. It especially involves having one person thinking that the other person or idea is benevolent, competent / good, or honest / true."

Trust is a funny thing. Some people you trust instantly. Others it takes time and effort to build up a mutual trust. Either way it can be destroyed in an instant. For me it is when I feel that I have not been dealt with honestly. The second that happens you can wave any trust that did exist goodbye.

I like the phrase "suspension of disbelief." It really applies in this case, because I saw what I wanted to see and ignored the rest. We all do this. Funny what you see when you have your eyes opened. Behavior that was acceptable because "that's so-and-so, that's just how they are, so it's ok," suddenly becomes somewhat rude and, well, silly.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel. I'm sure I've done things without meaning to that were rude or just taken the wrong way. In fact I know I have. I've recently learned that some of my actions in recent months may have alienated some people I really liked. Not sure if this can be repaired, but I will try. I'm a big believer in responsibility. Even if I didn't mean to do something I am still responsible for the ramifications of my actions.

Don't Panic!

Versetzen Sie Nicht In Panik!
Όχι πανικός!
Não se apavore!
Не паникуйте!
¡No se atierre!
Göra panikslagen inte!
لا يذعر!
Ne paniquez pas !
Niet Paniek!